what do i care.. alot

I dont know what to do anymore. I want to sleep in deans 2nite.. but i know where it will end. It is a good thing if it happens.. but could it just lead to sadness again?

Love is greater than anything :( Loving someone hurts, and it hurts more than anything in the whole world.. but it can feel as good anything in the whole world too when they love you back just as much. When your with the person you love, nothing can beat that.. and nothing does beat that when im with Dean.

But that point raises the question.. why am i not with him now? Apart from the fact that hes in guitar lessons, well to be honest.. i don't know anymore. I thought it was because we would be better off this way.. and yeah we are in a way. we've had no arguments, no 'disagreements', and no dissapointment. But apart from that, we've or should i say I, have been lonely, missing him, and although it seems a bit strange.. 'craving' him. Probably not the right word to use.. but it seems ok i guess. I hope he feels the same way.. he basically says he does tho so.. thats ok i guess.

I just really dont no what to do, I love him so much *sigh* But i don't know whether i can go back.

Ive attatched a doll of me and Dean on valentines day that i did... everything on that picture is exact tot he day. What we were wearing, what our hair was like, he didnt even wear shoes or socks but he wore a wonderful suit thing (minus tie), and i put that in. It is the perfect image of me and him together.

Why aren't we like that anymore? I miss the old Dean *sigh*

foolish.. yes or no? *sigh*

unravaling a mistake is the hardest thing to do in love, if only i had the strength.

i dont want to run away, but once again, im such a fool

it was a mistake

last night i opened my heart to someone.. it wasn't the right person. Im such a fool.

happiness :)

finally, my mind is at rest

my craving for that hidden connection has passed

funny really, seems i'm the only one still collapsed on the floor..

the last one

maybe these feelings are for the best

so i stand up.. and walk away

...lol thats not a poem or anything even if it might look like it, its just something that is in my mind right now. I don't think anyone else will ever understand it, and i don't intend to let anyone understand either. Sometimes its nice to have secrets that only you can smile about.. or cry about.

I find that secrets are things which are best left unsaid.. when someone knows.. they can bring it up and upset u. But if only you know, you can think about it only when you want to, when you know that it wont get to u.. when ur feeling strong.

'If you don't think about it.. sometimes it doesn't exist in your mind'.. well when someone else knows, they can bring it up to you and make you think about it.

Well basically, that secret has turned itself around.. and no wim happy :) im tired now tho, ive been writing this for almost 3 hours lol, ive partied and chatted with andy mn leah whilest writing it and i ended up leavin it for a while and now i cant be btoehred finished haha

this is utter happiness.. feeling how i feel :)

Woooo im famous!

Look out Leah, you may have competition! Im famous! yaaaaaaaay lol

Here are the reasons why Leah must watch out:

1) When we got to Download, everyone bought a Download Programme magazine. It basically tells you about all the bands that are playing etc.. WELL.. im on the back! Its a picture of me at Download '04 (you can tell koz i have black hair still lol)

2) When me and Dean were queuing up to meet Bullet For My Valentine at the Kerrang Signing Tent, a woman came and took out picture. Because we wer at the front, we are right in the front of the picture. When we asked the woman what the picture was for she told us 'Kerrang Magazine'. OMG IM IN THE KRERRANG MAGAZINE, IM A PIECE OF HISTORY HEHE. Unfortunately my head is hiding Dean in the pic :( Here is the link to see it anyway, or you can just be lazy and look at the pix which im about 2 upload hehe. You can see me well, i stand out.. i have pink hair lol

http://www.bulletformyvalentine1.com/website/images/media/press/Bullet%20in%20Kerrang%2025th%20June%2005%20-%20page%201.pdf

3) There is a 6ft Wall Poster on sale and is of the Download Crowd on the Sunday afternoon, just before Slipknot came on. And Me and Deani wer there.. at the front! And that means? ... WE ARE RIGHT AT THE FRONT OF THE FUCKING POSTER YAAAAAAAAAY! You can't see us very well because its small, so i have pointed me out, Dean is right next to me. If i look dead.. i was lol I was recovering from Slayer, and preparing for Slipknot lol

So then, i'll upload the pictures now lol..

ohh P.S. My college bonus came through..

A sad, sad time

Well *sigh*, let me tell you the story..

Mothers gone to Anglsey, Brothers gone to Isle of Man, and im left alone in my horrible boiling smelly scary house for a week. I have came to the conclusion i hate being on my own, i feel so ..well.. alone lol

I woke up yesterday morning, to my horror that Garth (my first and favourite fish had sadly died I had no idea what to do! I was alone in my house, upset and tired from the lack of sleep! When i saw him i freaked, tit was the utter shock that hurt the most, i had no idea what-so-ever that anything was wrong, to be honest i thought my other fish (Beavis) was dying. Well, i rang my mum, and she didnt answer - her phone was off. I rang Deans mobile, and his was off. I tried to come online, the internet was broke. i just needed some1..anyone to speak 2 so it would take my mind off it. I needed some1 to tell me what to do.

Stupid i know, im 17, its oly a fish, but Garth was my pet. Not my mums pet which she bought for me, mine. I chose him, bought him, and fed him. He lived in my room, and died in my room.. next to my bed while i slept! I don't know why he died, he was quite large for a shubunkin, so maybe he was old.. thats what Dean thinks it was. It could have been the heat though, my room boils for some reason, more than any of the house.. i changed the water and gave them freshly cold water whatever the case may be.

I eventually decided to ring Pauls mobile so i could speak to Dean. I woke him up and told him what had happened, he advised me to get him out asap incase he contaminates the tank.. lovely *sigh*. I spoke to dean for about 5/10 minutes, then built up my courage and got off the fone to him. I got the net, picked his floating corpse out of the tank and flushed him down the toilet. A funny story perhaps.. but all my pets die eventually.. one by one.. i dont feel worthy of owning a pet, maybe im a jinx?

Well, traumatized by the whole thing, i lay on my bed thinking about it, occasionally glansing at the fish tank. Wayne (Garths brother) looks lost, i think he felt like more of a son than a brother, he was half the size of Garth, and followed him like a child does their mother. Wayne now wanders the tank, each fish in there has a companion (Beavis and Butthead.. Bill and Ted.. and what was, Wayne and Garth) I wonder sometimes, if wayne knows he is dead, does he get lonely? or maybe even miss him? I feel like scooter from corrie "Must save the fish from her pond, Sarah!"

I have decided i will get a new fish, in memory of Garth, a new shubunkin a little one a bit like a baby. Hopefully he will then follow Wayne like Wayne once did Garth.

anyway.. on other news..

Dean came round to comforteth along with a little present from his mummy to hopefully cheer me up.. a teddy bear! A minature version of Blacky! i called him Bluey.. they are now like Daddy and son hehe ^_^

He also stayed the night with me, knowing he had Guitar lessons the next day ^_^ Hes gone now though.. had to rush off in the morning lol.. well i say morning.. more like 1pm! lol morning to us though i guess

I cant think of anything else to say now.. i guess ill just leave it at that, ive rambled enough lol

Rei x

Remains..

If you weren't so perfect
Maybe I could get over you
Do you think I deserve this?
Why cant you just be cool?

And I wonder where, what you are
As I fall down.

So good once.

Fell in love
Fell in love

I feel so weak
When I'm with you Make me feel
that I loved you once
It felt so good

Get out
My Head!

When I go to sleep
I lay my head
Then all I can see
Is you in front of me
Why Did You
Creep into my head
One Day?
And you never went away
Why did you do this
I am Scarred In The Nic-est way
But I want it to heal
Feel so Pa-the-tic that I can't
Control my emotions
Why I am so hyper everyday
Because of you?

And I wonder where, what you are
As I fall down.
Take my soul away from you
And I wonder now
If you weren't so perfect

What you are
As I fall

Well, maybe she never loved you,
Maybe you never loved her,
Did you ever think of that?
Stop bothering yourself with whispers,
Stop bothering yourself,
Pull yourself together, would you...

Sucked me in
With Just three words
These three words.

*sigh*