Well hello there, seems you've been wandering around and are now trespassing on the Land of the Twisted, Crazdy Lizard Queen Rei. RUN.. QUICK... B4 I SHOOT UR ASS! get away from this place or ur mind will be infected with my mindboggling virus.
Yeah.. haha ¬_¬ now im not joking, im pretty twisted in the head, i think too much, i hav a great boyfriend and i don't even consider it sometimes.. im a fool, and that is all needs to be said. If u choose to stay and read this shit of mine, be warned. This is a place where i have chose to write down EVERY feeling i have, and as im so twisted, at the end of this you will probably hate me, but who cares? Not like i know you.. rite?
So, leteth begin..
My name is Rei... erm.. Hi. I think its safe to say, im generally not a happy person, but when i am happy, im extatic. I go to college.. and i hate it, i wish i was back in school. I have left almost all my friends. Sumtimes i think, was it even worth making friends with people in the year below.. i never speak to them anymur, and it hurts. I have two main friends now, one i have known for almost my whole life, Leah, and then theres Dean, my boyfriend. So yeah, i have other friends obviously.. but they're not 'Freinds Friends' theyr just companions which i c every so often.
I have this strange thing were i just cant do anything. Im a lazy person, but recently, its like i have no 'go' in me. Throughout the Christmas Holidays, Leah and Dean came to the conclusion that i was 'depressed'.. i laughed and told them they wer crazy and that i was fine, but when they went home, i felt it again. Uselessness, tiredness, stress, mental pain for no specific reason, frustration, boredom, the list goes on and on. All i ever used to do was cry, so much to the point where i find it hard to cry now.. my eyes just sting.. alot. As if my tears have all dried out or something. I told them both how i felt a couple of days later, and they agreed to help me 'get better' I was going to go the doctors and see if the cause was actually depression. Ofcourse, i never went though.. because no1 was there 2 encourage me 2 go, and i cant do nething anymore, as i previously said.
Ive now learnt not to tell anyone how i feel (the reason for this livejournal) telling people i know my problems doesn't help. Especially when you tell the people that mean the most to you, and then for a short while they make it seem as if they care. But in the end, it hits you that they are bothered about how your feeling, but when u hav complex feeling like me.. they dont wana no. They just turn round and accuse you of 'wanting to be upset and thats y u r'.... yeah, you mite like to know, that hurt me alot, especially when it came from my own boyfriend.
And then we have the dilemma with Dean. When i first met him, he was the one that came to me, he had supposedly been infatuated with me for last 2 years, but just didnt know wat 2 say. In the end, we started going out, and it was one of the happiest times of my life. Well.. alot of shit happened between him and the 'evil ex' while we were together, he cheated on me, lied, dumped me for her etc etc, but things settled down, adn have been fine for about.. well almost 5 months now. But on new years day, i read his msn convosations and found out he had been telling her he loved her and that after high school they will run away 2gether or wateva and hes waited 10motnhs for her or sumthin. Well neway, i confronted him about it, and he told me it was revenge because she hurt him and his friends so much in the past (which is true, she cheats on every1 and uses every1 and tries 2 break up relationships) *Sigh* well, after alot of arguing, crying, and talking from the both of us, i eventually decided to believe him that it was just revenge. The next day he rang her up and told her why he did it and stuff. She was naturally devastated koz she 'loves him'. Since then i have heard stories that she is depressed and wont settle till she has him and things like that (which quite frankly scares the shit out of me, even tho i do trust Dean). What also scares me is that they are both still in high school, and i am in college so i have no way of knowing what is happening. I don't know what to do anymore, i want Dean all to myself, im a selfish person, but i just wish people would leave us alone. I don't know if i can forgive him for what he has done to me, i think about it every day. I try not to think about it and just forget, but its so hard. I just don't know what to do, i havent forgot know and it has been almost a month since it happened, so will i ever forget? I don't think i can go on being with Dean feeling like this. I mean, i can obviously, but i know with this on my mind im being a bad girlfriend even when he sez im not. All i ever do is nag at him asking him what hes been doing tc. I feel like im checking up on him all the time, which i am. But if i don't i duno my mind wanders and i get all worried.
And then we come to the confusing part... No matter how much Dean hurts me, i dont think ill ever be able to leave his side. If he hurts me again, yeah ofcourse ill dump him and probably not come bak this time, but my heart will always be with him (Sorry i shud hav warned u earlier, i can be VERY corny at times!) I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and it mite scare him if he reads this, but in the future i want a family with him, i really really do. i dream about the days wen we are together 4 gud (eg. wedding day, holidays, redecorating our flat etc). I have never met someone like him b4, he is unique. He tells me he loves me, but i worry that he is just being a typical school kid who thinks they love ne1 and every1 (it wud make sence considering he used 2 say he loved both me AND sarah.. then decided he was unable 2 love). But i believe he has grown up (well i kud add /hope in their but im quite sure he has) I remeber the days when he wudnt put on his profile 'long term relationship' bkoz ppl wont chat 2 him.. how childish and unthoughtful! All i ever do is talk about Dean, i think ppl in college are fed up of hearing his name! Every convosation i have he will come up in it somewhere lol We have so much in common, and so much not in common too, its strange. We love doing the same things, we love watching the same things, we love cuddling, chatting, listening to music, he likes playing guitar, and i like watching him play guitar and learning about guitars. We are both gothic, pale, dark haired, tall, friendly, and caring. And also we have so little in common, he hates all the food i love and vice versa (Except beans by toast!!), he laughs wen we watch horror films and scream and cry, he hates msn and charging his mobile, whereas theyr the things i luk 4ward too (yes, im lame) Another thing which makes me smile is that wen we'r 2gether i feel like the happiest person alive, and i hope he does too. One of the nicest memories i have is New Years Eve. I walked over to him to say Happy New Year, and he wisks me off my feet and runs down the street - me screaming my head off! and Leah and Sean woddling behind laughing at us. Note: Dean was wearing no footwear only his socks, and i was wearing his pants, my rainbow socks and his almost 15sizes too big slippers which wer slipping off my feet as he was running! - very funny it was.
And now on to Leah... shes been in my life as far back as i can remember. In primary school, we wer close but had other friends. And in high school we only really realised we wer best friends until around year10/11 where we became close. Since we have started college, i can feel us drifting again. She has met new friends now, and is keen on becoming an Actress. Her friends r well... normal, too normal almost scallyish (or so it seems sumtimes) i mean the other day she asked me to go the pub!! Many of u will b thinking.. yeah and? well lets just say thats not my scene. She has changed, alot... alot, alot lol. I didnt really want to tell her, but she brought it up b4 me. She asked me if i thought she was changing.. so i told her the truth. I told her how shes changed her style, the way she thinks, her lifestyle etc etc. She seems like a different person, she is not the Leah i know and love. I love the Leah who i fanatical about Shoes, has enough Lipgloss to re-fuel a whale, flirts to the point of insanity and laughs so much u ear drums begin to sting. Shes gone, In my view Leah is now an 'Actress int he making'. They always say being famous makes u turn in to a horrible selfish person, well she isnt that lol, but i hate to say it i could see it happening in the future if this madness carries on. I havent saw her in wat it seems weeks, and both me and Dean miss her sooooo much.
However, with bad rants, there r generally gud ones 2 follow..
Leah didnt seem very happy about her new found self and told me after she has finished her play she is going to start coming back out with us and try to find her funloving self. Hopefully that will actually happen, because its rather poo with her being a replica of her college-found friend Roxi.
Ok and we move on.. I go to Hugh Baird college to study Multimedia and have been there since September 2004 - of a two year course.. and i hate it. I hate it so much, i dread going in, but when im there im not so bad. I want to leave so much, when i get there the only thing that stops me from dying is the company of my new found friends (Laura, Leah, Matt, Ray and Hannah). They hate it just as much as me, so we keep ourselves occupied most of the time by Moaning at Paul, Jan or Sue, drawing funny pictures, or having dirty convosations. I spose the only thign that is stopping me from leaving is my mum (because i know that she wud probs b dissapointed with me) and the factt hat i know if i leave i wont get a job and ill sit in the house all day bored.
College is slowly growing on me tho, because today we got to play around with Computer towers (undoing screws and putting places in places n stuff...) so hopefully it will stay as exciting as this and then i may cope.. ¬_¬
Ok thats all i can think of for now newayz and even if i can think of stuff i cant b assed typin nemur lol
I must say, i feel much better now that i have let out everything in my head. Hopefully i will saty this calm for the rest of the night
xxx
