Well, here i am again i guess *sigh* You might guess im not a happy bunny... again. It might sound stupid to say i cant even bring to type wat has happened in my life since the last post.. but wat can i do? Its the truth....
I will *try* and summarize whats happened, but please bare with me.
Since the last post I spoke 2 Sarah, and we decided Dean was to choose between us. Me being the fool thinking Dean was madly uberly crazily in love with me and there wud hav been no question about it... how stupid i am at times. He decided "he loved us both" and picked neither - so we wer both left on our own.(strange considerin in the last post i sed he was over this. Well nehu, after alot of thinkin n chattin with Dean he sed he wernt in love with her he was just 'emotionally attatched' and loved me. He went offline and i did about 6 hours of thinking before he came back online. I realised he had been blackmailed - she sed she'd cut herself if he didnt pick her. also he was in an extremely awkward position because he didnt no wat 2 do, and it was my fault it all happened nehu. If i hadnt of suggested choosing it wud never hav happened. So i 4given him, and we got bak 2gether.
The i think it was the next day i read their past convos and discovered they had kissed. Dean sed he had 4got and thats y he didnt tell me and that it was just a peck on the cheek outside the music room koz they wer havin a chat, so nehu blah blah we had a massive chat and was up til 7am the next day telling eachother truths about ourselves. And in the end, we wer ok and happy again. Then i spoke 2 Sarah out of curiosity and asked wer they'd kissed... she sed lips. I asked Dean n he sed no defo the cheek.
The it seems 2day wen i came bak from Leahs play (which was gud btw) i find they r chattin and he is standin up 4 himself n sayin it was cheek and not lettin her manipulate him and spread lies nemur. Dean sent me the convo, and it seems that Dean had 4got to tell me one of his truths.. they had hugged too. I asked him and he sed yeh they did but the kissin situation shadowed it and he had 4got, thats y he didnt tell me.
So ok, its just a hug, no biggy there rite? But thats not the thing... wat else has he 4got to tell me? *sigh* He sez nothing, but if hes 4got then he doesnt no wat else duz he. Its got to the point where i almost fear the truth.
I just dont no wat 2 do nemur. i love him.. more than the world, but i dont want to be hurt nemur. I want us to be happy, and if that involves being apart then well... so be it. I dont no if i kud live without him tho. He is everything i ask for in a man.. only problem is he lies.
If this is the only chance of true happiness with sum1... well then wud i b makin a mistake if i threw it all away? .. Truth is, i know i wud.. probably the biggest of my life.
He was sayin 2 me 2day, he doesnt deserve me, and im beginning to believe him. I think mayb... i cant carry on loving him nemur? I love him, he loves me (?), but ... *sigh*... i dont no wat 2 do or think nemur.
Maybe i should think these lyrics over in my head.....
Sikth - (If You Weren't So) Perfect
Something's wrong, that made me realise
Maybe now we're not so right
Two people living their different lives
I used to think that
I would never
Ever be so sucked in
You proved me wrong when I held you
And felt it take me over
With you by my side
I wanted to be with you
And stay with you
It's so embarrassing
That I...
Fell in love
Fell in love
Fell in love
I
Feel
So weak
When I'm with you
Why can't I get you
Out of my head?
When I go to sleep
I lay my head
Then all I can see
Is you in front of me
Why Did You
Creep into my head
One Day?
And you never went away
Why did you do this
I am Scarred In The Nic-est way
But I want it to heal
Feel so Pa-the-tic that I can't
Control my emotions
Why I am so hyper everyday
Because of you?
If you weren't so perfect
Maybe I could get over you
Do you think I deserve this?
Why cant you just be cool?
And I wonder where, what you are
As I fall down.
So good once.
Fell in love
Fell in love
I feel so weak
When I'm with you Make me feel
that I loved you once
It felt so good
Get out
My Head!
When I go to sleep
I lay my head
Then all I can see
Is you in front of me
Why Did You
Creep into my head
One Day?
And you never went away
Why did you do this
I am Scarred In The Nic-est way
But I want it to heal
Feel so Pa-the-tic that I can't
Control my emotions
Why I am so hyper everyday
Because of you?
And I wonder where, what you are
As I fall down.
Take my soul away from you
And I wonder now
If you weren't so perfect
What you are
As I fall
Well, maybe she never loved you,
Maybe you never loved her,
Did you ever think of that?
Stop bothering yourself with whispers,
Stop bothering yourself,
Pull yourself together, would you...
Sucked me in
With Just three words
These three words.
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