Taking baby steps

I took the first step and applied for 2 jobs last week.

It's weird because when I decided to apply, my mindset was - what's the worst that can happen?... So what if my CVs not perfect,... I'll just apply for the sake of it and see what happens... worst case scenario I've still got a job to fall back on...

Now I'm sitting here checking my outlook every day in desperation hahah. I heard back from one (prison guard) and they said I didn't include enough information bleh, but still haven't heard back off BT yet. In hindsight I wish I'd gone over my cv to perfect it.

Watch this space.

Wedding photos

Just some photos from the Wedding :) 

Mr & Mrs Rochford <3

The view from our festihuts, so beautiful

Drunk :') Spent all night in front of the fire 

New Beginnings...

I've applied for a new job :) Maybe I won't get it.... I probably wont. But its a start.

Anyways I've been having a nosey through some old archives lately. I got my old pc out, theres some funny photos on there. I'm thinking of doing a 100 days of throwbacks on facebook, just for a bit of fun and nostalgia :) Then today I had a look through my old Livejournal :') hilarious.

Its funny to look back at old times, me complaining about how depressed I was, and then realising that I had no idea what I was talking about and was probably just being a drama queen :P Or talking about how I hate Sarah so much but I love Dean and I don't wanna lose him but I also hate him hahah. And Leah on her Livejournal... Kinda went a bit like this...... 'I was with Ste Bentick then he cheated on me and I forgave him then he cheated again then he dumped me so the next day I got with Sean but dumped him the same day. Then that week I got back with him then he dumped me so I got with Day Gracie and I love him and I want to marry him but I still miss Sean.' :')

Fun times! :') I hate to thing what some of my early blog posts must say... I started when I was 12 lol Don't judge me!!

Also, I've been thinking of selling things online for quite a while now. My etsy is actually doing alright with the cross stitch patterns, I've had like 25 sales so far. I had an idea to maybe start selling Essential Oil diffuser pendants and maybe some Essential Oil perfume in roller bottles :) Just an idea, probably won't take off like but you never know,

Yeah so thats all really just a little update. Feeling in better spirits today which is good.

~*~

Oh and the wedding!!! How could I forget.

Well, this weekend we went to Jo and Johns wedding
So, the wedding was set were Jo works... yes shes a Wedding Organiser lol. As you can imagine, everything was just perfect. The church was more like a Cathedral really, set on a hill in the middle of Mold in Wales. The ceremony was good and at the end the church bells rang across the village
We then headed to the countryside where the wedding was based. The marquee was decorated beautifully... just imagine an American tv show where the fairy lights twinkle above your head, it was like that. As soon as we got through the door, I was given free prosecco
In the evening there was live music which was great and everyone was getting up and singing with them. After the party, we headed to our little Festihut which we were staying in for the night  :) (which was freeeeeezing!) I got about an hours sleep but then when I woke up to go the toilet, everyone was sitting around the camp fire singing songs, so I decided to sit by the fire with Chris which was good as I hadn't seen him for years :) At one point in the night Chris got up and sang some Irish songs which were just beautiful, he has such a wonderful voice. It was nice to be with family and relax by the fire listening to them sing, kinda reminded me of being at a festival.

Anyways, after a brief moment of panic thinking my Uncle Michael was having a heart attack and sending him off in an Ambulance, most people went to bed. I stayed up with a few of the Irish relatives and stayed up until 6,30am just drinking and having a laugh :)

I had such a good time, I think thats why I'm feeling quite positive today. Back to work tomorrow though ¬_¬

Looking back

Hello beautiful people,

I've been wanting to post for a long time, but I didn't really know what to say. I feel like every time I come to post, it ends up being a big gap of a few months/years and it's just an 'update on my life'. It doesn't help that the Blogger app has been removed from iOS 👎 I've managed to reinstall it from my purchases and seems to work fine for now. 😊🙌

So, I might as well follow tradition. Since my last update last year, I'm pretty much on the same downward spiral. I ended up stepping down from my Section Leaders job last year and have been back on full time nights since. 

Although I am proud of myself for the things I achieved and how brave I was to take the step, I can only look back with regrets. I allowed myself to be sucked in by the job and I lost myself, I spiralled into a deep depression which is still very much alive right now. I met some amazing people on days and I've got so many memories which I will never forget, but looking back, my days were long and stressful, I missed Dean a lot and I found comfort in food. I hate to say but crying was a regular occurrence and coming home to an empty flat with Pizza and Donuts was the only thing that made me happy. 

I've now removed that stress, but am still unhappy in life. The night job is not what it used to be... In fact, working for Asda is not what it used to be. My routine on nights used to be, happily working early finishing late, being on an aisle I loved (toiletries), motivated to try my best, gym after work, fantastic holidays and treating myself to Acrylic nails twice a month and getting my hair done in a salon.... Now I can barely afford to live in a flat I hate. 

Dean is also still very ill. He's been on this path since November last year, and has unfortunately used up all his sick pay. He's tried every medication going, but still his colitis won't go into remission. The most recent medication he was put on is Adalimumab (Humira) which is a biological medication in the Chemotherapy family, the doctors say it's a TNF blocker which will stop his bowel from being inflamed. It seems to be showing some signs that it's working, his inflammation has been reduced and he doesn't bleed anymore. The only downside is that he's experiencing some major side effects, which I don't think he will be able to live with. His mouth and throat has been covered in ulcers for 11 weeks now, he's covered in weird pimple spots all on his upper thighs and near his genital area and he's continuously losing weight. I think he's going to tell the doctors he's not taking it anymore, but then that only leaves 1 more medication to try before surgery.

In all honestly, the whole situation terrifies me. He is in so much pain on a daily basis, and there's nothing I can do to help. I'm terrified I will wake up and he will be dead next to me in bed. 

I suppose I'm so depressed right now because my life isn't what I expected it to be at this age. I thought I would work my way up in a career, have a house, be planning a wedding and getting ready to have kids.. I feel like a million miles away from that right now. 

It's funny to look back on old posts and see myself complaining about things like my weight. In hindsight, I would do anything to be back at that weight right now. Life is what you make of it, and you don't realise what you've got until it's gone. I swear to god I hope that doesn't happen with this post, I can't imagine feeling more low than I feel right now. 

:/

Fortune favours the brave

Fortune doesn't favour the stupid

Download festival 2015

So much has changed

What is my life. Where am I going and what am I doing. I don't even know where to begin.

Ill try and make this as short as possible, considering my life feels so shit right now, Ive got so much that's happened in the past 2 years.

I'm still with my beloved Dean, we have our ups and downs but I don't know where I would be without him. In november he got promoted to Night Manager, which was amazing. In my opinion he is a brilliant leader and he will go on to do great things eventually. Unfortunately things didn't go quite as planned as recently his Colitis got quite bad. He's been suffering with anxiety and depression aswell, so he took the very brave decision to step back down to colleague. I am so proud of him for being strong enough to say 'you know what, after everything I've achieved, my health is the most important thing'. There should be more people in the world like him.

On the flip side, last august I got promoted to Produce Section Leader, which involved me taking a huge step and moving onto days. It was one if the hardest times of my life, because I was basically learning to be a colleague whilst having people rely on me as their leader whilst at the same time taking a pay cut of nearly £400 a month. I entered a job with no prior knowledge of the role, I didn't even no how a day ran on the day shift, so its safe to say I was very very stressed for a long time. I would never wish what I went through upon anyone.

Things did work out for me though eventually. Ive now been on days for nearly a year and I've learnt so much and made so many new friends. I'm now section leader on counters and its great. Another challenge, I've never done anything like counters and I think I've done pretty well considering. In this past year I've really discovered a lot about myself, I'm adaptable and confident in what I know. There's still a lot I've got to learn yet but I'm slowly getting there.

I've made some boss mates, who I would actually now consider to be my best friends. I've never had a proper group of girl mates, i love them all ❤ ive attached a pic, the only one that's missing is Leah. *note to self: Photoshop Leah in* haha

Last year so many good events happened...

First of all, in June me Sara and Jennie got last minute tickets to Download Festival.... £20 quid each!! I somehow managed to get the time off work, quick pack and we left haha. Spontaneous decisions are always the best afterall.

In August, me Leah Sara and Sarah went to Creamfields! It was amazing, totally different atmosphere to any other festival I've ever been to.. Mainly because it was full of drugs and scallys hahaha

In September, I went to Benidorm with Leah and her family for her mums 50th! We had so much fun, highlights include Sticky Vicky .. Like yeh just no need to even explain lmao, and Alison being so drunk in a bar she had to hold on to the rail hahah.

In October, Dean and I went to Mexico! Like literally, the most amazing place in the world. I've never been on a holiday and said straight after, I wanna go back, but this time I did. We stayed in the Grand Bahia Principe Akumal, and omg I loved it so much. I've attached a pic of me and dean snorkeling in Xel-ha :)

Now back to this year, 2015 and I've just got back from Download Festival again hahah. Dean traveled in on the wed and Sara and I got there Friday morning :) as always slipknot were amazing!

Last but not least. I did so well on my weight loss with going the gym and dieting, I hit 12 stone 10lbs last year .. Literally the lowest I've ever been since my weight loss journey. Unfortunately, since Christmas its been a different story. I've kept piling the pounds on and in the space of 5 months I'm now 15stone 2lbs. :'( feel like everything I achieved has been thrown away. I definitely need to start again