Thought I'd tell people my story, seen as I've had a few questions about it.
Since I was about 13 I had this unrational crazy phobia of needles, I don't remember the exact point when it all began, i think it just grew over the years.
In school, I missed my TB jab because i was so terrified, I'm ashamed to say it now, but I actually took an overdose when we were given the letters about it to take home. I even missed the tester, which isn't a needle, just a small pin prick... even the thought of that made me sick.
Over the years the phobia got so bad it was impossible to function normally on a daily basis. When people pointed their fingers at me, I imagined they were needles, If a pen was held in a certain way, it was a needle, the worst was being poked in the arm.. i'd cry and cry uncontrolably :/ If a needle came on the tv, even for a second, i'd cry. I remember an advert for an anti-wrinkle cream, and the needle was on for literally like... 3 seconds if that, but everytime I watched tv I was scared that the advert would come on.
Even one thought of a needle and my whole day was ruined, it'd creep back into my mind hours later and I'd cry again, and when i slept i'd have nightmares. The most common was (sounds stupid now) needles being thrown at me, and also people coming towards me with needles and not being able to run away because my legs wouldn't work.. thinking back now I remember how terrified I was.. its unbelievable how i lived like that. I couldn't even visit a loved one in Hospital without constantly being on guard, looking on every shelf, at every nurse, and every counter to see if there was a needle.. I was even scared of the yellow disposal bins :/
I remember one thing that helped me control and comfort my anxiety at the time, and that was wearing long sleeves, and rubbing my arms as if i was cold. I felt even more safe if i was wearing my coat lol. After a nightmare I used to squish up into a ball under the covers, holding my arms and knees tight up high, and i'd kind of rock and sway a bit. Sounds like I was a lunatic I know, mental illness alert, but in actual fact I was just terrified that I would think about them again. I was frightened of my own mind, and I didn't want to go to sleep incase it happened again.
The realisation came that I needed help when I discovered I needed my tooth filling, I knew 100% I couldn't go in the state I was in, so i went to the doctors and they arranged for me to see a councellor.
6 months later, and i was there.. she delved deep down into my past, trying to find out why i felt that way and what had brought it all on.
The first few visits were awful, even though we didnt talk about needles, thats what I was there for, so as always, my day would be ruined. We discovered that its likely to be a long list of events from my past which had built up to make me think they were a bad thing.
The therapy began with looking at a series of photographs of needles, the first week I couldn't look at them, and I just sat them on my lap whilst we talked, the 2nd week I peeked at them, the 3rd week i looked at them all properly, and chose a favourite which was the least "scary" and then discussed why. the 4th week I took them home and scattered them around my house, in places where I would always see them (by the kettle, in the bathroom, on my desk etc) It was very hard at first, I avoided parts of my house, but by the end of the week I had became accustomed to them.
Then I moved on to videos, and my councellor had picked out a few which she felt wouldnt be too scary for me to watch. In all honest, at first I lied and said I was watching them every day even though I wasn't... i just couldn't bring myself to do it. But after a few weeks, i started watching it more, and then i searched on google for videos and pictures of needles. This was hard at first, as you can imagine some were pretty horrific and i cried as i did it, at times not even being able to see the screen because of the tears pouring out.
In our discussions, we discovered that looking and thinking about sewing needles didn't scare me, but thinking about seringes terrified me, so after a few weeks of watching videos, she brought in some surgical needle heads (the pin) from a nurse.
The first week I just looked at them in the wrappers, I didnt want to open them because I felt like they couldn't get me if they were wrapped up. I also requested that i keep hold of them or they stay on the floor, as i felt too uncomfortable with someone else holding them.
The week after I was feeling very brave, and we opened the packaging, and I actually held the pin. There were a few all of different sizes and widths. Strangely, i felt most comfortable with the small thick needle, my rationalisation for this at the time was (and i actually said this) if you slipped with the thin one its more likely to go through me. Makes me laugh thinking about what i said, it doesn't make sence.
After a few weeks of feeling the needle tips, I was introduced to the seringe part of the needle, which to my surprise looked nothing like i had feared. It was a needle for taking blood, which unknown to me had several different parts. I actually held the whole needle seringe n all, and carresed my arm with it.. terrified ofcourse.. but i was in control and was kind of coming to terms with the fact it could help me in the future, and does help millions of people around the world.
A few weeks later, for the first time in... possibly 5 years, i stood in a room and willingly watched a volunteer get her blood taken. She was ill and needed the blood to be taken monthly for tests. I cried and cried and pressed myself against the door, but we were in there for a good 10mins I'd say, and i eventually calmed down. The woman didn't look in pain, and she wasn't scared. She was actually talking to me as it happened, and she said it was fine.
The next week, my councellor had blood taken, and I sat next to her and watched. I felt very uncomfortable, but the nurse moved slowely and i trusted her. I bravely sta in the chair afterwards and the strap was put around my arm so I felt comfortable with it. I was unbelieveably scared even by this, my arms were exposed, and I didn't like that at all.
The week after she had blood taken again, i sat in the chair afterwards ready to have my blood taken, but i couldn't do it. My phobia kicked in, and i had no explanation for why i didnt want to do it.. i was just too scared. I was sobbing as I walked home, I felt like I had failed, I knew I needed to do this.
The week after, this video was taken, and thats the end of that chapter.
I won't lie, I am still uncomfortable looking at videos of needles, and admittedly i will sometimes look away, but its nothing like it was. I've had 3 more needles since that video, and i've had my ears pierced too :) Although on my 3rd visit to the dentist, I count it as one but i actually had about 5 needles in one go to numb my gums. (I had to have the tooth out, i had an abcess which was about to break through my skin on my face... yeah that same old tooth, i left it that long haha)
Obviously, i cried uncontrollably on all occasions, but the last time at the dentist, i actualy didn't cry that much, I calmed down and felt more comfortable with it because I knew it didnt hurt, they pulled my tooth out and I felt nothing, thanks to them needles.
The fear of needles will never 100% go, but I can think about them and not care, no nightmares or anything. I mean come on my fave tv show is House, if any of you have saw that before you will understand what I'm getting at.... its needles galore!
Thank you for your explanation of the fear history. I too have a fear of needles ( not as bad as yours though). I was looking at video on youtube and found your video. At first I started watching it and had to stop. I was also telling myself that your reactions on the video didn't seem like you had overcome your fear. But now that I've read you blog it makes a lot more sense. I was able to watch the rest of the video. Besides tv ( I watch House a lot too), that was the first video of a needle going in I've been able to watch all the way through. I think it helped that the video wasn't 100% crystal clear (like not HD) so it blurred it a little. Thank you for sharing your story.
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