One of those nights..

Yeah, its been one of those nights where I can't sleep and I just sit here browsing the internet and thinking about stuff.

But its ok because I've came to realise something - since we've been in the flat its never really felt like home, even after living here for 5 months and picking out where everything goes and designing the rooms I still feel like a stranger. Dean kept saying its because we don't have much stuff etc, but I've just realised why.

When I used to live at home, I always had this big vision of how all the rooms where gonna look, but then when I actually moved out I had this weird sence of being all grown up and I guess i felt that the rooms had to look a certain way. I mean don't get me wrong, the rooms are lovely and its a really nice flat, I'm just starting to feel like its... too normal lol.

My old bedroom was me - you could say it was like a teenagers room, and in some ways it was (e.g teddies on the walls and all of my possessions clustered into a tiny room) but the actual WAY it was - I think thats me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, my home isn't wacky/flamboyant/gothy enough for me. I feel like a cyber goth stuck on k3! haha basically :P

I need to feel comfortable in my home, and from now on I'm gonna stay in that frame of mind.
I'm not saying I'm gonna go and sell all our stuff and repaint the walls.. jeez, i might not even have a flat in 2 months haha :'|

So yeah, thats was all I came on to post about really.

I'm a complex creature of the night haha - I like metal music, music festivals, gothic and punk clothing, bright colours and black, super cute stuff and band posters, sci fi films, platform boots, anime, gaming, crafting, hair dye, piercings, synthetic dreads and other misc weird stuff. ......I belong in a place with either black or neon walls, so many band posters you don't know where to look, boots and teddies on shelves, deans guitars hanging on the walls, and a gaming control centre in the living room like i've always dreamed of lol with lots and lots of bean bags and a shisha at the ready.







I miss pink hair and dreads :(

Poo :(

So on our first day of being off on our 11 day hols for our anniversary, work ring up and tell us we've pretty much lost ALL our overtime. Me and Dean have both been doing 5 nights each for the past 3 months, and now because they've ran out of money they're cutting my hours down to 2 nights and Dean to 3.

I honestly can't believe it, when I first found out I could stop crying to be honest. 2 nights do not cover our bills and if we don't get something sorted out we could end up losing our home :/ I'm just hoping we can sort something out with work about getting 3rd days on our contract, because with 3 nights we can just about pay the bills. We won't have money for any treats but aslong as we keep our home thats the main thing.

Its looking likely that Download Festival is now off the cards, also all our plans for our time off and anniversary are in the shitter. I was meant to be getting a coffee machine and we were gonna go the cinema and for a meal. I guess thats the steps you have to take to keep your home though, every penny counts and we're gonna havta save it all.

Oh and on top of that, Deans had tonsillitus all week, been dozing around sleeping most of the time AND MOANING haha I was hoping he would be ok in time for his gig and our anniversary on Sunday, but it seems like once he feels better in one way he gets worse in another.

Also to make things worse, I've just woken up with my throat being red raw and I can't swallow :( I guess I've caught it off him. I've made a conscious effort not to kiss him or go near him though which is so annoying :/

So all my "money free" plans are looking dim now too, I was meant to be finally meeting Ant with Stevie and Leah, but I don't wanna put them at risk :( I was also meant to be going to Deans gig and then spending time with Dean for our anniversary - but if I'm ill then I'll most likely just be in bed *sigh*

The first half of our holidays was ruined by Dean being sick and as soon as he shows signs of being better, the rest is ruined by me being ill. I work so so sooo hard and when I'm at home I sleep for 12 hours at a time because I'm so exhausted, and i feel like i get nothing in return other than a roof over my head. On our days off all we do is sleep and clean up and then its back to work. I guess thats the harsh reality of life :(

Flat, Diet, Anniversary

I am devastated at how this is working out right now. I did intend to write a big blog update but I never have the time :/

Anywho - Me and Dean have been working like 5 nights a week for the best 7 weeks and its suchhhhh a killer. I'm on this course from my GP to lose weight, which seems to be going really well though :) I've been going the gym twice a week after work, for 60-80mins and I've cut out all chocolate, crisps, chips throughout the working week and I'm on the Orlistat again too. So far this week I've lost 5pounds :)

This weekend (I'm off on Mon&Tue but its myyyy weekend haha) we had an Oscars night and bought loads of goodies to nom on which was realllllly good :) I kinda regret it, but I'll just make sure I work extra hard in work &gym instead. We had a kfc, custard donuts, yorkies, time outs, rowntrees very berries, rowntrees randoms and some magic stars haha mmmmm Back to the salads and fruit tomorrow though.

Also, my manager in work, Mary, found out I like knitting and all stuff like that and apparently shes a ninja knitter. She messaged me on facebook saying she'll teach me how to knit before work which is AWESOMMMMME. Maybe I'll finally be able to knit a fishnet/whalenet jumper haha :)

Oh oh oh and yesterday - I went on a bit of a shopping spree :D I bought a S.O.P.H.I.E. wristband (AGAIN - as Dean broke my last one!!), a S.O.P.H.I.E. bag patch, and an awesome skeleton hand vest, aaaaand, some new bedroom furniture for the flat :)



Also, mine and Deans 8 year anniversary is coming up - HOW CRAZY IS THAT HAHA :) We've both got 10 days booked off work which is awesome :D Gonna try and make the most of it by going out and seeing friends, hopefully DYING MY HAIR WHITE etc, also Dean has a gig which im going to. Should be good :) AAAAANNNNDDDDD, Deans buying me a coffee maker :D:D:D:D Not sure which one yet though

Everythings coming along nicely :)

Happy happy right now :) The flat is coming along nicely. Johns finishing up the painting in the next few days, Barrys put all the blinds up, we're getting a new sofa off Carl & Nat, and we ordered the carpets today :)

Colour schemes for the rooms:

Living room - Cream/Beige carpet, classic cream walls and 1 feature wall (yet to be decided, probably brown)
Hall - Cream/Beige carpet & Empress Green walls
Kitchen - Cream floor tiles (already there), classic cream walls & 2 red walls, wood furnishings
Bedroom - Black carpet, dove grey walls & 1 feature black wall with purple stuffs in
Spare room - Black carpet, white walls and everything inside will be black
Bathroom - We're gonna get slate tiles (probs Lino :P) but at the moment its blue with white walls

Also I have a pantry in the kitchen which I'll be painting once we're in there, and by the front door we have a recess which I like to call my Dungeon :P I'll be painting that and making it into a cloak room when we're in :)

Booo and Yaaaay haha

Really getting withdrawl symptoms from not writing on my blog :( Its just so hard to find the time right now with only using Deans laptop.

Good news is upon us though :D.. Got a phone call from One Vision Housing last week, after LOTS of fucking about, the old tenants have now handed in the keys to our flat AND, yesterday a One Vision van was outside the flat all day. GOOOD TIMMMES. Soo, I'm hoping we'll be getting a viewing in about a week or 2.

Now for some bad stuff to talk about :( Today I'm getting a blood test for the first time since I had my councelling (video is on youtube). I had a needle when I had my tooth out, but it wasn't the same. I'm not gonna lie, I'm really really scared. I keep doing things which my councellor told me to stop doing as it doesn't help the phobia, but I can't help it :( I always struggled with having the inner part of my elbow and arm exposed, and today I can't stop twitching my arms. I'm actually struggling to type because my arms are extended. I must get over this, I can't let it control my life again :(

Pippin is still missing :(

My little cat Pippin is still missing *sigh* Its been nearly 2 weeks now and no one has seen him. I've put posters all around the area, and I've rang all vets and animal rescue places, and even the council but nothing :( I just hope he comes home safe, or as horrible as it sounds, dead. I can't bare the thought of him being trapped somewhere scared and hungry.

I went for a viewing on a Bungalow today, its absolutely gorgeous. Big garden, with a shed and chair swing, big bedroom with a massive wardrobe included, massive conservatory which is basically a living room, and a front room which is a spare room. As soon as I entered and even as I talk about it now, I'm having ideas of how we could have it set up :( But with Dean on one day a week in Asda and me not being guaranteed a contract, we can't do it. I have enough to pay for the deposit, but we can't guarantee the payments to live on.

If Dean had accepted the 3 days in Asda initially or got different days off them, and I harrased them to see if they'd give me a contract, it might have been doable :/ *sigh*

Uni, Jobs, and other poo

Well, its official.. I've left Uni :/ Not something I want to do obviously, I'm actually quite upset about it but I think its best for me in the long run.

Basically, this year alot of shit has happened and I've been a bag of stress and worry, and my main priority has been making sure Dean is ok, but in the process of that I was so distracted from Uni that I got behind with the lectures and work. I thought I was going to be ok at first, until I assessed the situation and realised I had 4 courseworks (2 group ones) due in less than 3 months, followed by numerous exams, AND I had to find a work placement in that time as well.

So, I had to really think about what I wanted in life and I've came to the conclusion that, yeah I probably could have scraped through the coursework, and possibly got an extremely shit mark for the year. Whats that going to get me? The games industry is extremely hard to get in to, and although there are companies in Liverpool, its pretty clear that I'd need to move away to get a job. And then theres that question, who the fuck in the right mind would hire someone who hasnt got a clue about anything? Yeah I'd scrape by, doesn't mean I know it. I've missed the lectures I don't know what I'm doing. I know bare essentials of the programming languages, the placements require someone with a grasp on them, which isn't me right now.

Looking at the bigger picture here, I'd waste 4 years of my life costing approx 25k, to then get a job in a supermarket or a barmaid or something with a degree which means nothing. No thanks.

My situation now is, I don't have as much debt, and I've only wasted 2 years instead of 4. But to be honest, its not 2 years wasted because I've learnt alot about computers/gates etc and about myself. I'm glad I took the route I have, and anyways, I have the credits from the first year.. maybe in the future when the time is right, I could go back. Barry and Anita have both done it, aged 30+ so why can't I?

And looking at the even bigger picture, me and Dean NEED to move out in the next few months. We need a stable environment and we need money. Thats not something I can give in Uni, especially when its in the back of my mind that I could be working instead of scrounging off Deans Asda wages. Dean in Asda, and me in uni, we wouldn't get benefits and my student loans would be reduced because I'd be living away from parents, so its almost impossible.

I just wish people would see it from my perspective for a change, instead of seeing me as a failure. I feel like a failure enough without people reminding me every time they look at me. I wish I'd realised this a year ago I really do, but unfortunately a year ago I didn't, because a year ago me and Dean were fine. Dean was well and we wern't looking for a flat back then.

The way people need to look at this is, I didn't CHOOSE to lose my job with Littlewoods, I got made redundant. Everyone around me (Except Dean) kept telling me to go to Uni and I thought it'd be a good idea. It didn't work out, its not for everyone and right now its just not for me in my current situation. But as I said, maybe in the future.

So, now after clearing that up, what next? Well.. Littlewoods are looking for people again, I've rang and am waiting for a reply. Asda are also taking on, so maybe just maybe. Theres a few others, but non really worth mentioning. I'd be happy with Littlewoods or Asda. But haha I'm clearly living in a dreamworld if I think I'll get either of them jobs in this climate. Leahs been looking for months with no glory. Dean has an appointment with ASDA on friday, so hopefully he'll be set up at least. I've also *reluctantly* got in touch with the job centre too so hopefully I'll hear back from them soon.

Erm so thats me at the moment, oh and my Blackberry died. Piece of shit lol Gonna havta reboot it, which I should be able to do myself *fingers crossed*

Aaaaand, oh yeah, Korn Agains gig yesterday was interesting. In Newcastle upon Lyme, in the daytime. Think they had about 7/8 people other than us who they brought with them lol They were great though non the less, and were told by the manager that they'd go down a treat in the night time :)

Then theres Bournemouth on friday and possibly a gig on Saturday. Hope I can go to them, I like going as its a break away from reality if that makes sence. No stress, no money/job/uni worries, nothing.. just me being a tag along haha or would the word be 'groupie' lol. I know it can't last forever but its a nice break away and I'm lucky to be able to go to some of them. I love road trips, I love gigs, I love KoRn, I love the lads from Korn Again, I love photography, and I love seeing Dean on stage. So, yeah, the gigs are epic haha.

Erm, nothing much else to say really. Oh, me and Dean successfully cut down the massive trees in my back garden :) They were about the touch the telephone wires which would have caused loads of shit, and plus the sun was hidden so we thought fuck it lets do it haha. Managed to cut them down to a nice size so they're still there but they're nice and neat :) Theres a massive pile of branches at the side of the house, which is actually bigger than the trees themself :') Gonna put them into garden bags today hopefully.

Oh and I made some RAINBOW DREADS :D They're gonna look amazing. Hopefully putting them in on wednesday or thursday :)

Peace. out.

Flats

Sooo.. the first time we bid on Simons Croft, we were 36th in the queue.
Second bid on the same type of flat same road, and we're 24th :)

That can only be a good thing. Hopefully soon we'll be in our own place hoorahh

Bleh

Wow, its been pretty eventful lately.

So, I'll start off by saying, RUNESCAPE IS AWESOOMMMME ♥ I'm so glad free trade is back. Its just so much better. My friend from Uni has an interview there for a placement too, which is great. I'm hoping he might get the job and then make me a player mod haha Yeah, I'll keep dreamin :P

Kinda wish I'd applied for Jagex too, it could have been me going down there for an interview :/ But oh well.. being in the situation where I have to leave everything behind to work in Cambridge.. I don't think I could do it. .... Maybe one day :) When Deans better and he can come with me wooo

In the meantime, I'll stick with shitty Liverpool. Yep, we bid on our first flat XD So excited. I'm fairly certain we won't get it though. Its on Deans Mums street.. hah! Yeah, I'll keep dreamin for this aswell lol. Still.. feel like we're on our way now :) Its only a matter of time. This time next week, I could be saying we're moving in haha Its so strange.. but SOOO GOOOOD.

Aaaand, well, then theres Uni. Kinda fucked myself up :/ I've gotten really far behind, and I'm in a muddle where I probably can't pick up the pieces now. I'm going to speak to my tutor soon, and see what he recommends I do. I can't really say much more on it. Its my own fault, and I don't wanna ramble on about it because it'll just upset me, and I'm trying to stay positive right now :)

Ermmm.. so yeah, also, I made a website for Deans band, Korn Again. It was pretty good, for like a few days work. It could have been better, but I didn't have much time.. I had to put it up asap because their promoter was down their throats about it. I thought they were happy with it, and it was meant to be going on the .co.uk, but a lot of shit happened with the guy who was meant to be hosting it. Asking me to change the code for the whole site because its 'good practise', and all stuff like that. Then at the last minute, without any warning, my site had 'problems' and he made his own and used that. I wasted so much time, going to their house to sort it out, and then he takes over the whole thing and I don't even get any heads up. I even asked what was wrong with my site, and he had no explanation and just said to 'Keep our squabbles between ourselves' (meaning me and the guys from Korn Again).
Feel pretty betrayed to be honest, going out of my way for my friends, and then he supposedly has problems and makes one himself without even telling me what was wrong, and they love him for it.
Well, hes made a good website anyway, there are problems with it though, and it does look a little unprofessional if I say so myself especially when its made for a band as mighty as the UKs NO1 Korn Tribute (not sarcasm... a little cheesy... they're good what can I say? lol), but whatever anyways. By the way, I'm not blowing smoke up my own ass here, mine wasn't perfect either haha. I'm just a bit bleh at the fact.. well, no1 even explained why theyre using his instead. I feel a little bit used to be honest.

I'm giving up on trying to please other people from now on, I want to help people and bands as much as I can, and unfortunately I let it impeed on my own life too much. My own fault, probably. But ultimately, I've probably not helped anyone, I've just made extra work for myself and lost friends in the process. Great.

Oh and I've put on 2 pound. I love my life.

Anyway, everything sucks, but you get on with it. Going to the cinema now with Dean :)


EDIT: Just realised I was meant to be keeping positive haha Oh well.