Lacking motivation

Life is weird lately, one minute I'm hopeful for the future and planning for things to come, then I fall into the depths of hell and remember that life isn't worth living. It's like all the hope I had was just me pretending that everything will be ok.

Depression is really hard and tonight I'm suffering. 

It's Tuesday which means Deans in work and it's my one night alone to have me time. Maybe I'm feeling like this because our Virgin broadband is broke and I'm using my last 100mb of data to keep me occupied. In reality, I just bought an add on for another 100mb because I'm avoiding doing anything. 

The flat is a shit hole once again. I had a good tidy up on Friday, but now it's back to how it was before. I can see the dirty plates on the table next to me, but picking them up and cleaning them seems like such an effort. Too much effort for me. I would much rather stay in bed and just sleep, even though I've slept all day and last night. I seem to lose track of what time it is lately, since going back on nights I sleep when I'm tired not when nature tells me to. I feel like my life is a mess.

I'm even struggling to get motivation to have a shower or bath. How disgusting, I'm disgusting. This afternoon I put coconut oil on my hair to force myself to wash it out later. I knew hours in advance that I would probably decide not to shower, so this was a way or forcing myself to do it. 

Maybe I'm having a mid life crisis at the age of 28. I actually do feel like time is running out and I have no idea why. 

Dean says that when I feel like this I should have a hobby, but I do, I love crafting. I want to knit a scarf but then i think about all the other more important things I could and should be doing. Before I know it I've been sitting here for hours and I haven't done any of it.

I'm wasting my life away doing nothing and I hate it. I wish I had the energy and motivation to move and be happy.

My favourite photo

Happiest times ❤️❤️

This photo is from when Dean and I went to Xel-ha in Mexico. Amazing day, amazing place, amazing holiday 😍

Yay.... I think!

Soooo, let's talk Mortgages.

Had the advisor meeting yesterday with Halifax, everything went well to be Ho eat. She said were perfect candidates as far as Halifax is concerned, perfect credit rating and she can see we could afford it. However, we were accepted for up to 96k but only with a 10% deposit 😭 

We only have 5% and I can't see us every being able to save up any more than that. So disappointed, I really wanted them to just say yeah perfect you can have it and come home knowing 100% we have it. Now it's like, yeah you can if you can find an extra 5grand.

So anyway then we decided to try our look with Santander over the road. I was hoping to book an appointment but luckily they had an advisor ready to see us straight away. She didn't do a credit check etc because she said their policy is that they do all that after you've found a home. 

She went through all the calculations and it came up and said we could get 90k with 5% deposit! :DDD The only problem is because it wasn't a full application. We could put an offer in for a house and then have the mortgage rejected like it was in Halifax. So nerve wracking :( 

Hopeful

On Monday we have a mortgage advisor meeting eeeeeeek!! Exciting but I'm Soo nervous as well. 

There's a really nice house we like round the corner which has just been reduced to 85k, and we have 5% deposit so hopefully we have a good chance :) 

Fingers crossed!! 

Taking baby steps

I took the first step and applied for 2 jobs last week.

It's weird because when I decided to apply, my mindset was - what's the worst that can happen?... So what if my CVs not perfect,... I'll just apply for the sake of it and see what happens... worst case scenario I've still got a job to fall back on...

Now I'm sitting here checking my outlook every day in desperation hahah. I heard back from one (prison guard) and they said I didn't include enough information bleh, but still haven't heard back off BT yet. In hindsight I wish I'd gone over my cv to perfect it.

Watch this space.

Wedding photos

Just some photos from the Wedding :) 

Mr & Mrs Rochford <3

The view from our festihuts, so beautiful

Drunk :') Spent all night in front of the fire 

New Beginnings...

I've applied for a new job :) Maybe I won't get it.... I probably wont. But its a start.

Anyways I've been having a nosey through some old archives lately. I got my old pc out, theres some funny photos on there. I'm thinking of doing a 100 days of throwbacks on facebook, just for a bit of fun and nostalgia :) Then today I had a look through my old Livejournal :') hilarious.

Its funny to look back at old times, me complaining about how depressed I was, and then realising that I had no idea what I was talking about and was probably just being a drama queen :P Or talking about how I hate Sarah so much but I love Dean and I don't wanna lose him but I also hate him hahah. And Leah on her Livejournal... Kinda went a bit like this...... 'I was with Ste Bentick then he cheated on me and I forgave him then he cheated again then he dumped me so the next day I got with Sean but dumped him the same day. Then that week I got back with him then he dumped me so I got with Day Gracie and I love him and I want to marry him but I still miss Sean.' :')

Fun times! :') I hate to thing what some of my early blog posts must say... I started when I was 12 lol Don't judge me!!

Also, I've been thinking of selling things online for quite a while now. My etsy is actually doing alright with the cross stitch patterns, I've had like 25 sales so far. I had an idea to maybe start selling Essential Oil diffuser pendants and maybe some Essential Oil perfume in roller bottles :) Just an idea, probably won't take off like but you never know,

Yeah so thats all really just a little update. Feeling in better spirits today which is good.

~*~

Oh and the wedding!!! How could I forget.

Well, this weekend we went to Jo and Johns wedding
So, the wedding was set were Jo works... yes shes a Wedding Organiser lol. As you can imagine, everything was just perfect. The church was more like a Cathedral really, set on a hill in the middle of Mold in Wales. The ceremony was good and at the end the church bells rang across the village
We then headed to the countryside where the wedding was based. The marquee was decorated beautifully... just imagine an American tv show where the fairy lights twinkle above your head, it was like that. As soon as we got through the door, I was given free prosecco
In the evening there was live music which was great and everyone was getting up and singing with them. After the party, we headed to our little Festihut which we were staying in for the night  :) (which was freeeeeezing!) I got about an hours sleep but then when I woke up to go the toilet, everyone was sitting around the camp fire singing songs, so I decided to sit by the fire with Chris which was good as I hadn't seen him for years :) At one point in the night Chris got up and sang some Irish songs which were just beautiful, he has such a wonderful voice. It was nice to be with family and relax by the fire listening to them sing, kinda reminded me of being at a festival.

Anyways, after a brief moment of panic thinking my Uncle Michael was having a heart attack and sending him off in an Ambulance, most people went to bed. I stayed up with a few of the Irish relatives and stayed up until 6,30am just drinking and having a laugh :)

I had such a good time, I think thats why I'm feeling quite positive today. Back to work tomorrow though ¬_¬

Looking back

Hello beautiful people,

I've been wanting to post for a long time, but I didn't really know what to say. I feel like every time I come to post, it ends up being a big gap of a few months/years and it's just an 'update on my life'. It doesn't help that the Blogger app has been removed from iOS 👎 I've managed to reinstall it from my purchases and seems to work fine for now. 😊🙌

So, I might as well follow tradition. Since my last update last year, I'm pretty much on the same downward spiral. I ended up stepping down from my Section Leaders job last year and have been back on full time nights since. 

Although I am proud of myself for the things I achieved and how brave I was to take the step, I can only look back with regrets. I allowed myself to be sucked in by the job and I lost myself, I spiralled into a deep depression which is still very much alive right now. I met some amazing people on days and I've got so many memories which I will never forget, but looking back, my days were long and stressful, I missed Dean a lot and I found comfort in food. I hate to say but crying was a regular occurrence and coming home to an empty flat with Pizza and Donuts was the only thing that made me happy. 

I've now removed that stress, but am still unhappy in life. The night job is not what it used to be... In fact, working for Asda is not what it used to be. My routine on nights used to be, happily working early finishing late, being on an aisle I loved (toiletries), motivated to try my best, gym after work, fantastic holidays and treating myself to Acrylic nails twice a month and getting my hair done in a salon.... Now I can barely afford to live in a flat I hate. 

Dean is also still very ill. He's been on this path since November last year, and has unfortunately used up all his sick pay. He's tried every medication going, but still his colitis won't go into remission. The most recent medication he was put on is Adalimumab (Humira) which is a biological medication in the Chemotherapy family, the doctors say it's a TNF blocker which will stop his bowel from being inflamed. It seems to be showing some signs that it's working, his inflammation has been reduced and he doesn't bleed anymore. The only downside is that he's experiencing some major side effects, which I don't think he will be able to live with. His mouth and throat has been covered in ulcers for 11 weeks now, he's covered in weird pimple spots all on his upper thighs and near his genital area and he's continuously losing weight. I think he's going to tell the doctors he's not taking it anymore, but then that only leaves 1 more medication to try before surgery.

In all honestly, the whole situation terrifies me. He is in so much pain on a daily basis, and there's nothing I can do to help. I'm terrified I will wake up and he will be dead next to me in bed. 

I suppose I'm so depressed right now because my life isn't what I expected it to be at this age. I thought I would work my way up in a career, have a house, be planning a wedding and getting ready to have kids.. I feel like a million miles away from that right now. 

It's funny to look back on old posts and see myself complaining about things like my weight. In hindsight, I would do anything to be back at that weight right now. Life is what you make of it, and you don't realise what you've got until it's gone. I swear to god I hope that doesn't happen with this post, I can't imagine feeling more low than I feel right now. 

:/

Fortune favours the brave

Fortune doesn't favour the stupid

Download festival 2015

So much has changed

What is my life. Where am I going and what am I doing. I don't even know where to begin.

Ill try and make this as short as possible, considering my life feels so shit right now, Ive got so much that's happened in the past 2 years.

I'm still with my beloved Dean, we have our ups and downs but I don't know where I would be without him. In november he got promoted to Night Manager, which was amazing. In my opinion he is a brilliant leader and he will go on to do great things eventually. Unfortunately things didn't go quite as planned as recently his Colitis got quite bad. He's been suffering with anxiety and depression aswell, so he took the very brave decision to step back down to colleague. I am so proud of him for being strong enough to say 'you know what, after everything I've achieved, my health is the most important thing'. There should be more people in the world like him.

On the flip side, last august I got promoted to Produce Section Leader, which involved me taking a huge step and moving onto days. It was one if the hardest times of my life, because I was basically learning to be a colleague whilst having people rely on me as their leader whilst at the same time taking a pay cut of nearly £400 a month. I entered a job with no prior knowledge of the role, I didn't even no how a day ran on the day shift, so its safe to say I was very very stressed for a long time. I would never wish what I went through upon anyone.

Things did work out for me though eventually. Ive now been on days for nearly a year and I've learnt so much and made so many new friends. I'm now section leader on counters and its great. Another challenge, I've never done anything like counters and I think I've done pretty well considering. In this past year I've really discovered a lot about myself, I'm adaptable and confident in what I know. There's still a lot I've got to learn yet but I'm slowly getting there.

I've made some boss mates, who I would actually now consider to be my best friends. I've never had a proper group of girl mates, i love them all ❤ ive attached a pic, the only one that's missing is Leah. *note to self: Photoshop Leah in* haha

Last year so many good events happened...

First of all, in June me Sara and Jennie got last minute tickets to Download Festival.... £20 quid each!! I somehow managed to get the time off work, quick pack and we left haha. Spontaneous decisions are always the best afterall.

In August, me Leah Sara and Sarah went to Creamfields! It was amazing, totally different atmosphere to any other festival I've ever been to.. Mainly because it was full of drugs and scallys hahaha

In September, I went to Benidorm with Leah and her family for her mums 50th! We had so much fun, highlights include Sticky Vicky .. Like yeh just no need to even explain lmao, and Alison being so drunk in a bar she had to hold on to the rail hahah.

In October, Dean and I went to Mexico! Like literally, the most amazing place in the world. I've never been on a holiday and said straight after, I wanna go back, but this time I did. We stayed in the Grand Bahia Principe Akumal, and omg I loved it so much. I've attached a pic of me and dean snorkeling in Xel-ha :)

Now back to this year, 2015 and I've just got back from Download Festival again hahah. Dean traveled in on the wed and Sara and I got there Friday morning :) as always slipknot were amazing!

Last but not least. I did so well on my weight loss with going the gym and dieting, I hit 12 stone 10lbs last year .. Literally the lowest I've ever been since my weight loss journey. Unfortunately, since Christmas its been a different story. I've kept piling the pounds on and in the space of 5 months I'm now 15stone 2lbs. :'( feel like everything I achieved has been thrown away. I definitely need to start again

Random updates

~ Went out on Monday for Paddys night & Saras birthday which was amazing :) Had such a good night ❤️❤️ Loads of people came out.. Me sara hayley dean carl ged kenny & ian. Met Saras lovely friend called Hayley for the first time who is gorgeous :) Hopefully have anothrr night out like that again soon hehe

Heres some pics n a pic of our keyrings hehe :D

~  hopefully hopefully hopefully going to Creamfields in August wahoooo ive got it off work just need to get tickets hehe :)

- Signed up for Race for life wooohoooo Need to get my ass on the treadmill!

~ Also got something really sad to mention.. Kenny my manager & friend from work is leaving :( I'm devastated tbh, he has done so much for me and really does mean alot to me. Going to miss him so much but hopefully we will keep in touch & maybe even work together again in the future.

Diethylpropion.. Here we go again lol

Seems Diethylpropion lowers your immune system and I caught a bad cough/ cold which literally lasted like 6 weeks :/ Only just getting over it now tbh.  I had to stop taking them while i was sick because they dont mix well with other med :( 

Isnt all that bad though... Somehow ive actually lost more weight than i did when i was on them haha. Im now at my lowest weight since i started dieting woohoo 13.0st exactly. Hopefully this time nxt week ill be in the 12s! :) 

Ive also signed up for Race for life in June and am hopefully going to Creamfields in August so ive got something to work towards :D x

Diethylpropion update

Went back to the clinic.. Only lost 2lbs. Dissapointing to say the least :/

Its motivated me to push a lot harder though this week hehe. I wasnt wanting to lose dramatic amounts anyways but i was hoping for atleast 4/5lbs. Ahh well nevermind :)

Diethylpropion Day 3

Been really good today only drank water all day :) ive been good with food too and been eating every 3 hours. Not really feeling hungry altho i think i will after ive been the gym haha Only side effect ive noticed again is the dry mouth, no headaches thank god :) 

I decided not to go bak to the clinic yesterday because ive not been on them long enough to get clear results, gonna go back on Sat morning which will be day 6. Just hope ive lose a few pounds!! Lol

Deans 25th Birthday Night Out :)

Went out last friday for Deans birthday and Johns 50th, had a realy good night although it was really expensive and town was dead. Highlight was probs spittin my chewy out by laughin so hard loooool 

Here are some pics from the night, although for some reason Sara isnt in any of the pics with us! Boooo lol

Selfieeee

Me and Leah got Kitkat chunkys hehe

Mine n Saras Denace the menace cocktails! Sooo gooood :)

Diethylpropion Day 2

Day 2 and I'm feeling reaaaallly tired today :/ Went the gym this morning n then did Sauna Steam after which was really nice defo wanna get back on it :) Only got 5 hours sleep after though which really isnt enough for me lol

So far today for breaky ive had banana on toast, and I'm going to my mums for soon for a salad :) Ive also got a little Graze snack for my midday snack later on. 

Once again got a dry mouth but its makin me drink lots of water which is a good thing lol. Got my appoitment with the clinic again tomorrow to discuss how I'm getting on n weighed, however not expecting big changes as I've only been on them for 3 days. We'll see 😊

Diethylpropion

I'm going to start keeping track of my progress while using this drug, mainly for my own benefit but also for anyone else who might be interested in giving it a go :)

So first things first, I bought these from a medical clinic who specialize in helping with weight loss. I wouldn't recommend buying these off the internet as you never know what you're getting! I had to have lots of tests done first to make sure it was safe for me to use them. Diethylpropion is a dangerous drug and I would seriously advise you to consult with your doctor before going on them.

Here is a link to some information and side effects of them

My routine is a little bit mixed up because I work permanent nights. You're meant to take them in the morning (after sleep) with your breakfast, but on average I sleep from 10am until 6pm which means I take mine during the evening at approx 7.30pm. I also eat weird foods at weird times, like for lunch I'll eat a main meal and for my final meal I'll eat breakfast food lol I should really get out of the habit of it though...

This is my schedule:
5.30pm- wake up
6pm - have breakfast & take Diethylpropion
9pm - snack
12.30am - lunch
3am - snack
7am - small meal

Start: 5ft9, 13.8lbs, bmi 28

Day 1:
So on day 1 of starting the tablets, the main thing I noticed almost straight away is the dry mouth, although I didn't feel anything else. At breakfast I had a small bowl of Kimchi Noodles, then I skipped having a snack and at lunch had a Roast Dinner but couldn't finish it as I wasn't hungry. I'm not sure if this was just a placebo effect or maybe because I had noodles a few hours earlier though. On my break at 3am I had Blueberries, and then after work I felt starving and had 2 crisp barms and a few chunks of chocolate. I was meant to be going to the gym but I had a doctors appointment so I skipped a gym day. Overall, I don't really know if the tablets worked or not.

Day 2:
Today is my day off work so its hard to keep a steady schedule for eating. So far I've had 2 chunks of chocolate and bran flakes with raisins for breakfast, and I had to set an alarm to remind me to eat 3 hours later haha :P I'm going to grab a snack now, however I'll be honest I'm feeling pretty hungry and my mouth is drier than a nuns vagina lmao I'm also feeling light headed :/ Note to self- start carrying a bottle of water round lol

Edit: Its 5am and I now have a banging headache, and keep needing a wee haha. Oh n i had salad with tuna before but barely finished it which is good :) 

Its been a while

Feels like everytime I post on here nowadays its me saying how long its been since my last post :/

Not gonna sit here rambling on about how much has changed... well I'll try not to haha Here goes nothing..

~ 2013 has been a really strange year for me to be honest. People have came into my life in ways I never thought possible, and really turned my world upside down. I know one day I will probably lose them, which tbh makes me very sad, so I'm trying to make the most out of it while I can. I've also made some really good friends too, and reconnected with old friends I lost a long time ago :) Oh and Leah & I are closer than ever. Love my bff so much ♥

~ Deans still the nights section leader :) Its been a rough ride for him this past year, problems with other colleagues etc but hes doing well and hopefully he will be promoted to manager in a few years :)

~ I'm now working my way towards eventually becoming a section leader :) I completed the Step on programme and became our colleague voice representative for nights, but its quite hard to attend the meetings because they're during the day and as you all know I am a creature of the night hehe :) My managers and other section leaders have been so helpful with me and have given me new responsibilities which is great, and I've been giving myself little secret tasks too hehe. Basically, each week I try to make sure I learn something new :)

~ Unfortunately, my gym regime and dieting has pretty much been none existent during 2013. I lost about a stone before Cuba and since then its been slowly creeping off by itself with just healthy eating. All in all up until about last October I had lost about 2 stone, but then this Christmas it went downhill and I ended up putting 10lbs on :(

I've just recently 2 days ago started on Hunger Suppressant tablets called 'Diethylpropion', which will hopefully encourage me to eat smaller portions and get me back on track in the gym :) I'll write another blog post with updates on this though as I want to keep a little log of how I get on with them.

~ My Mum and Jack are now engaged which is brilliant :) I'm so happy that she has finally found someone who makes her truly happy ♥ They even working towards moving into their own home together hehe

 ~ In September, we had a little moment of madness and went on holiday last minute which was amazing :) Leah & Shaun booked it last minute on the Thursday, and then Dean and I managed to book it on the Saturday.. and we left something stupid like on the Tuesday lmao. Had an awesome time, the highlight was probably going to a huge water park :) I never been to anything like it before hehe. All inclusive drinks chillin on the rooftop with a Shisha was so cool too. Loved it so much, and it was my first holiday with Leah aswell :)

~ I'm sad to say however, unfortunately Leah and Shaun have since split up and I don't think they will be getting back together either :( I'm really upset about it to be honest because we all had so many good times together and I'm really going to miss the house parties, sleep overs, holidays, meals and nights out. I know they weren't happy together though so I guess its for the best.

For me 2013 was all about loving life and finding myself, I guess thats why I didn't post much. My taste in music is a lot more diverse these days, and although I still love metal, I have also opened up to lots of other genres, especially House. I can flick from listening to Nine Inch Nails, to Sylosis, to Avicii in a line haha Its quite weird really.

I have also changed my style of clothes a bit. I'll be honest, I think it started when I began to lose weight. I looked at myself in the mirror and found a confidence I'd never had before, n then I'd see pics of me with my flab hanging out cellulite everywhere n I felt like telling my past self to cover up lol. Tbh wearing tiny checkered mini skirts, fishnet tights and vest tops just doesn't really sound too appealing anymore. If I was going on a night out to the Krazyhouse or to a festival yes, but those days are so far and few between. I love wearing skinny jeans and band tees or leggings with jumpers at the mo :) Another aspect of the change really came from working because I'm not allowed my lip bar in and they're very strict about hair colour.

I would love to have pink hair back again. Having Blonde hair is so hard to maintain! I started off by doing it myself, but my hair was in awful condition, breaking all the time and my roots were always quite yellowy. It was ok when I had pink because the colour would hide the difference in the tone, so in the end I bit the bullet and went to the hairdressers haha. I now go to voodou and get highlights every few weeks. Its veeeery expensive but its what I need to do to get nice healthy hair again :)

OK I rambled I'm sorry lol. Heres a few recent piccys :)

Me & Dean at Chester Zoo

 Me with Sarah :)

 Me with Leah & Sarah hehe I'm sorry but Leahs face on this loooool Thats y I love her so much hehe

Meeee

Meeee again :)

Wanna start blogging again soon

Sometimes, someone comes into your life and turns your world upside down :/