Lacking motivation

Life is weird lately, one minute I'm hopeful for the future and planning for things to come, then I fall into the depths of hell and remember that life isn't worth living. It's like all the hope I had was just me pretending that everything will be ok.

Depression is really hard and tonight I'm suffering. 

It's Tuesday which means Deans in work and it's my one night alone to have me time. Maybe I'm feeling like this because our Virgin broadband is broke and I'm using my last 100mb of data to keep me occupied. In reality, I just bought an add on for another 100mb because I'm avoiding doing anything. 

The flat is a shit hole once again. I had a good tidy up on Friday, but now it's back to how it was before. I can see the dirty plates on the table next to me, but picking them up and cleaning them seems like such an effort. Too much effort for me. I would much rather stay in bed and just sleep, even though I've slept all day and last night. I seem to lose track of what time it is lately, since going back on nights I sleep when I'm tired not when nature tells me to. I feel like my life is a mess.

I'm even struggling to get motivation to have a shower or bath. How disgusting, I'm disgusting. This afternoon I put coconut oil on my hair to force myself to wash it out later. I knew hours in advance that I would probably decide not to shower, so this was a way or forcing myself to do it. 

Maybe I'm having a mid life crisis at the age of 28. I actually do feel like time is running out and I have no idea why. 

Dean says that when I feel like this I should have a hobby, but I do, I love crafting. I want to knit a scarf but then i think about all the other more important things I could and should be doing. Before I know it I've been sitting here for hours and I haven't done any of it.

I'm wasting my life away doing nothing and I hate it. I wish I had the energy and motivation to move and be happy.

Looking back

Hello beautiful people,

I've been wanting to post for a long time, but I didn't really know what to say. I feel like every time I come to post, it ends up being a big gap of a few months/years and it's just an 'update on my life'. It doesn't help that the Blogger app has been removed from iOS 👎 I've managed to reinstall it from my purchases and seems to work fine for now. 😊🙌

So, I might as well follow tradition. Since my last update last year, I'm pretty much on the same downward spiral. I ended up stepping down from my Section Leaders job last year and have been back on full time nights since. 

Although I am proud of myself for the things I achieved and how brave I was to take the step, I can only look back with regrets. I allowed myself to be sucked in by the job and I lost myself, I spiralled into a deep depression which is still very much alive right now. I met some amazing people on days and I've got so many memories which I will never forget, but looking back, my days were long and stressful, I missed Dean a lot and I found comfort in food. I hate to say but crying was a regular occurrence and coming home to an empty flat with Pizza and Donuts was the only thing that made me happy. 

I've now removed that stress, but am still unhappy in life. The night job is not what it used to be... In fact, working for Asda is not what it used to be. My routine on nights used to be, happily working early finishing late, being on an aisle I loved (toiletries), motivated to try my best, gym after work, fantastic holidays and treating myself to Acrylic nails twice a month and getting my hair done in a salon.... Now I can barely afford to live in a flat I hate. 

Dean is also still very ill. He's been on this path since November last year, and has unfortunately used up all his sick pay. He's tried every medication going, but still his colitis won't go into remission. The most recent medication he was put on is Adalimumab (Humira) which is a biological medication in the Chemotherapy family, the doctors say it's a TNF blocker which will stop his bowel from being inflamed. It seems to be showing some signs that it's working, his inflammation has been reduced and he doesn't bleed anymore. The only downside is that he's experiencing some major side effects, which I don't think he will be able to live with. His mouth and throat has been covered in ulcers for 11 weeks now, he's covered in weird pimple spots all on his upper thighs and near his genital area and he's continuously losing weight. I think he's going to tell the doctors he's not taking it anymore, but then that only leaves 1 more medication to try before surgery.

In all honestly, the whole situation terrifies me. He is in so much pain on a daily basis, and there's nothing I can do to help. I'm terrified I will wake up and he will be dead next to me in bed. 

I suppose I'm so depressed right now because my life isn't what I expected it to be at this age. I thought I would work my way up in a career, have a house, be planning a wedding and getting ready to have kids.. I feel like a million miles away from that right now. 

It's funny to look back on old posts and see myself complaining about things like my weight. In hindsight, I would do anything to be back at that weight right now. Life is what you make of it, and you don't realise what you've got until it's gone. I swear to god I hope that doesn't happen with this post, I can't imagine feeling more low than I feel right now.