Lacking motivation

Life is weird lately, one minute I'm hopeful for the future and planning for things to come, then I fall into the depths of hell and remember that life isn't worth living. It's like all the hope I had was just me pretending that everything will be ok.

Depression is really hard and tonight I'm suffering. 

It's Tuesday which means Deans in work and it's my one night alone to have me time. Maybe I'm feeling like this because our Virgin broadband is broke and I'm using my last 100mb of data to keep me occupied. In reality, I just bought an add on for another 100mb because I'm avoiding doing anything. 

The flat is a shit hole once again. I had a good tidy up on Friday, but now it's back to how it was before. I can see the dirty plates on the table next to me, but picking them up and cleaning them seems like such an effort. Too much effort for me. I would much rather stay in bed and just sleep, even though I've slept all day and last night. I seem to lose track of what time it is lately, since going back on nights I sleep when I'm tired not when nature tells me to. I feel like my life is a mess.

I'm even struggling to get motivation to have a shower or bath. How disgusting, I'm disgusting. This afternoon I put coconut oil on my hair to force myself to wash it out later. I knew hours in advance that I would probably decide not to shower, so this was a way or forcing myself to do it. 

Maybe I'm having a mid life crisis at the age of 28. I actually do feel like time is running out and I have no idea why. 

Dean says that when I feel like this I should have a hobby, but I do, I love crafting. I want to knit a scarf but then i think about all the other more important things I could and should be doing. Before I know it I've been sitting here for hours and I haven't done any of it.

I'm wasting my life away doing nothing and I hate it. I wish I had the energy and motivation to move and be happy.

My favourite photo

Happiest times ❤️❤️

This photo is from when Dean and I went to Xel-ha in Mexico. Amazing day, amazing place, amazing holiday 😍

Yay.... I think!

Soooo, let's talk Mortgages.

Had the advisor meeting yesterday with Halifax, everything went well to be Ho eat. She said were perfect candidates as far as Halifax is concerned, perfect credit rating and she can see we could afford it. However, we were accepted for up to 96k but only with a 10% deposit 😭 

We only have 5% and I can't see us every being able to save up any more than that. So disappointed, I really wanted them to just say yeah perfect you can have it and come home knowing 100% we have it. Now it's like, yeah you can if you can find an extra 5grand.

So anyway then we decided to try our look with Santander over the road. I was hoping to book an appointment but luckily they had an advisor ready to see us straight away. She didn't do a credit check etc because she said their policy is that they do all that after you've found a home. 

She went through all the calculations and it came up and said we could get 90k with 5% deposit! :DDD The only problem is because it wasn't a full application. We could put an offer in for a house and then have the mortgage rejected like it was in Halifax. So nerve wracking :( 

Hopeful

On Monday we have a mortgage advisor meeting eeeeeeek!! Exciting but I'm Soo nervous as well. 

There's a really nice house we like round the corner which has just been reduced to 85k, and we have 5% deposit so hopefully we have a good chance :) 

Fingers crossed!! 

Taking baby steps

I took the first step and applied for 2 jobs last week.

It's weird because when I decided to apply, my mindset was - what's the worst that can happen?... So what if my CVs not perfect,... I'll just apply for the sake of it and see what happens... worst case scenario I've still got a job to fall back on...

Now I'm sitting here checking my outlook every day in desperation hahah. I heard back from one (prison guard) and they said I didn't include enough information bleh, but still haven't heard back off BT yet. In hindsight I wish I'd gone over my cv to perfect it.

Watch this space.

Wedding photos

Just some photos from the Wedding :) 

Mr & Mrs Rochford <3

The view from our festihuts, so beautiful

Drunk :') Spent all night in front of the fire 

New Beginnings...

I've applied for a new job :) Maybe I won't get it.... I probably wont. But its a start.

Anyways I've been having a nosey through some old archives lately. I got my old pc out, theres some funny photos on there. I'm thinking of doing a 100 days of throwbacks on facebook, just for a bit of fun and nostalgia :) Then today I had a look through my old Livejournal :') hilarious.

Its funny to look back at old times, me complaining about how depressed I was, and then realising that I had no idea what I was talking about and was probably just being a drama queen :P Or talking about how I hate Sarah so much but I love Dean and I don't wanna lose him but I also hate him hahah. And Leah on her Livejournal... Kinda went a bit like this...... 'I was with Ste Bentick then he cheated on me and I forgave him then he cheated again then he dumped me so the next day I got with Sean but dumped him the same day. Then that week I got back with him then he dumped me so I got with Day Gracie and I love him and I want to marry him but I still miss Sean.' :')

Fun times! :') I hate to thing what some of my early blog posts must say... I started when I was 12 lol Don't judge me!!

Also, I've been thinking of selling things online for quite a while now. My etsy is actually doing alright with the cross stitch patterns, I've had like 25 sales so far. I had an idea to maybe start selling Essential Oil diffuser pendants and maybe some Essential Oil perfume in roller bottles :) Just an idea, probably won't take off like but you never know,

Yeah so thats all really just a little update. Feeling in better spirits today which is good.

~*~

Oh and the wedding!!! How could I forget.

Well, this weekend we went to Jo and Johns wedding
So, the wedding was set were Jo works... yes shes a Wedding Organiser lol. As you can imagine, everything was just perfect. The church was more like a Cathedral really, set on a hill in the middle of Mold in Wales. The ceremony was good and at the end the church bells rang across the village
We then headed to the countryside where the wedding was based. The marquee was decorated beautifully... just imagine an American tv show where the fairy lights twinkle above your head, it was like that. As soon as we got through the door, I was given free prosecco
In the evening there was live music which was great and everyone was getting up and singing with them. After the party, we headed to our little Festihut which we were staying in for the night  :) (which was freeeeeezing!) I got about an hours sleep but then when I woke up to go the toilet, everyone was sitting around the camp fire singing songs, so I decided to sit by the fire with Chris which was good as I hadn't seen him for years :) At one point in the night Chris got up and sang some Irish songs which were just beautiful, he has such a wonderful voice. It was nice to be with family and relax by the fire listening to them sing, kinda reminded me of being at a festival.

Anyways, after a brief moment of panic thinking my Uncle Michael was having a heart attack and sending him off in an Ambulance, most people went to bed. I stayed up with a few of the Irish relatives and stayed up until 6,30am just drinking and having a laugh :)

I had such a good time, I think thats why I'm feeling quite positive today. Back to work tomorrow though ¬_¬