happiness :)

finally, my mind is at rest

my craving for that hidden connection has passed

funny really, seems i'm the only one still collapsed on the floor..

the last one

maybe these feelings are for the best

so i stand up.. and walk away

...lol thats not a poem or anything even if it might look like it, its just something that is in my mind right now. I don't think anyone else will ever understand it, and i don't intend to let anyone understand either. Sometimes its nice to have secrets that only you can smile about.. or cry about.

I find that secrets are things which are best left unsaid.. when someone knows.. they can bring it up and upset u. But if only you know, you can think about it only when you want to, when you know that it wont get to u.. when ur feeling strong.

'If you don't think about it.. sometimes it doesn't exist in your mind'.. well when someone else knows, they can bring it up to you and make you think about it.

Well basically, that secret has turned itself around.. and no wim happy :) im tired now tho, ive been writing this for almost 3 hours lol, ive partied and chatted with andy mn leah whilest writing it and i ended up leavin it for a while and now i cant be btoehred finished haha

this is utter happiness.. feeling how i feel :)

Woooo im famous!

Look out Leah, you may have competition! Im famous! yaaaaaaaay lol

Here are the reasons why Leah must watch out:

1) When we got to Download, everyone bought a Download Programme magazine. It basically tells you about all the bands that are playing etc.. WELL.. im on the back! Its a picture of me at Download '04 (you can tell koz i have black hair still lol)

2) When me and Dean were queuing up to meet Bullet For My Valentine at the Kerrang Signing Tent, a woman came and took out picture. Because we wer at the front, we are right in the front of the picture. When we asked the woman what the picture was for she told us 'Kerrang Magazine'. OMG IM IN THE KRERRANG MAGAZINE, IM A PIECE OF HISTORY HEHE. Unfortunately my head is hiding Dean in the pic :( Here is the link to see it anyway, or you can just be lazy and look at the pix which im about 2 upload hehe. You can see me well, i stand out.. i have pink hair lol

http://www.bulletformyvalentine1.com/website/images/media/press/Bullet%20in%20Kerrang%2025th%20June%2005%20-%20page%201.pdf

3) There is a 6ft Wall Poster on sale and is of the Download Crowd on the Sunday afternoon, just before Slipknot came on. And Me and Deani wer there.. at the front! And that means? ... WE ARE RIGHT AT THE FRONT OF THE FUCKING POSTER YAAAAAAAAAY! You can't see us very well because its small, so i have pointed me out, Dean is right next to me. If i look dead.. i was lol I was recovering from Slayer, and preparing for Slipknot lol

So then, i'll upload the pictures now lol..

ohh P.S. My college bonus came through..

A sad, sad time

Well *sigh*, let me tell you the story..

Mothers gone to Anglsey, Brothers gone to Isle of Man, and im left alone in my horrible boiling smelly scary house for a week. I have came to the conclusion i hate being on my own, i feel so ..well.. alone lol

I woke up yesterday morning, to my horror that Garth (my first and favourite fish had sadly died I had no idea what to do! I was alone in my house, upset and tired from the lack of sleep! When i saw him i freaked, tit was the utter shock that hurt the most, i had no idea what-so-ever that anything was wrong, to be honest i thought my other fish (Beavis) was dying. Well, i rang my mum, and she didnt answer - her phone was off. I rang Deans mobile, and his was off. I tried to come online, the internet was broke. i just needed some1..anyone to speak 2 so it would take my mind off it. I needed some1 to tell me what to do.

Stupid i know, im 17, its oly a fish, but Garth was my pet. Not my mums pet which she bought for me, mine. I chose him, bought him, and fed him. He lived in my room, and died in my room.. next to my bed while i slept! I don't know why he died, he was quite large for a shubunkin, so maybe he was old.. thats what Dean thinks it was. It could have been the heat though, my room boils for some reason, more than any of the house.. i changed the water and gave them freshly cold water whatever the case may be.

I eventually decided to ring Pauls mobile so i could speak to Dean. I woke him up and told him what had happened, he advised me to get him out asap incase he contaminates the tank.. lovely *sigh*. I spoke to dean for about 5/10 minutes, then built up my courage and got off the fone to him. I got the net, picked his floating corpse out of the tank and flushed him down the toilet. A funny story perhaps.. but all my pets die eventually.. one by one.. i dont feel worthy of owning a pet, maybe im a jinx?

Well, traumatized by the whole thing, i lay on my bed thinking about it, occasionally glansing at the fish tank. Wayne (Garths brother) looks lost, i think he felt like more of a son than a brother, he was half the size of Garth, and followed him like a child does their mother. Wayne now wanders the tank, each fish in there has a companion (Beavis and Butthead.. Bill and Ted.. and what was, Wayne and Garth) I wonder sometimes, if wayne knows he is dead, does he get lonely? or maybe even miss him? I feel like scooter from corrie "Must save the fish from her pond, Sarah!"

I have decided i will get a new fish, in memory of Garth, a new shubunkin a little one a bit like a baby. Hopefully he will then follow Wayne like Wayne once did Garth.

anyway.. on other news..

Dean came round to comforteth along with a little present from his mummy to hopefully cheer me up.. a teddy bear! A minature version of Blacky! i called him Bluey.. they are now like Daddy and son hehe ^_^

He also stayed the night with me, knowing he had Guitar lessons the next day ^_^ Hes gone now though.. had to rush off in the morning lol.. well i say morning.. more like 1pm! lol morning to us though i guess

I cant think of anything else to say now.. i guess ill just leave it at that, ive rambled enough lol

Rei x

Remains..

If you weren't so perfect
Maybe I could get over you
Do you think I deserve this?
Why cant you just be cool?

And I wonder where, what you are
As I fall down.

So good once.

Fell in love
Fell in love

I feel so weak
When I'm with you Make me feel
that I loved you once
It felt so good

Get out
My Head!

When I go to sleep
I lay my head
Then all I can see
Is you in front of me
Why Did You
Creep into my head
One Day?
And you never went away
Why did you do this
I am Scarred In The Nic-est way
But I want it to heal
Feel so Pa-the-tic that I can't
Control my emotions
Why I am so hyper everyday
Because of you?

And I wonder where, what you are
As I fall down.
Take my soul away from you
And I wonder now
If you weren't so perfect

What you are
As I fall

Well, maybe she never loved you,
Maybe you never loved her,
Did you ever think of that?
Stop bothering yourself with whispers,
Stop bothering yourself,
Pull yourself together, would you...

Sucked me in
With Just three words
These three words.

*sigh*

*sigh* but YAY but.. *sigh*

ooo ive had a mad day, its been good and bad really. Me and Dean r still the same as ever, we had a bit of a fall out last night, and what do you no, we ended up breaking up. I wont go into details of the fall out n what not, lets just say, we argue far too much and annoy eachother sometimes so much we feel like killing eachother lol.

So yeah, we broke up and spent the day texting eachother, first about why we've broke up, we mainly argued at this point, we then started talking ok, and decided 2 b friends. Then it got to about 10:30 and i get a knock at the door. Dean had spent the day at Seans, and he decided 2 come round 2 mine for a bit. Well, seems we'r so in love we cant help but be apart. He tickled me, and then we kissed.. and then we got back together...

I didnt think i'd get back with him, but its different when they are in your presence. Its the nicest thing ever to have company fromt he one you love, but sometimes you can like it so much u grow to hate the time u spend together. Ive learnt from the ordeal that maybe me and dean see too much of eachother. We enevr have anything left to say to eachother, so we spend the rest of the time arguing. Well i dont no, im just happy he came to my house. If he didnt who knows what i'd be typing write now I love Dean, i never doubted that i never.. i guess i was just confused and angry

Recently ive been trying to organise a trip to Southport Fair, but people keep telling me they'll come then turning me down at the last minute. I guess its not their fault if they have no money, but it makes me feel so unappreciated (if thats the right word to use) Infact, its been getting me down.. that may be one of the reason why i reacted like i did with Dean.

Basically, im dying to go to Southport fair, i love the fair, and its alot nicer if your friends are with you! What i do is ask them, they say yeah but cant on the date ive planned, so ill arrange a new date. Then like 3 days before, they tell us they cant go anymore. Thats happened twice now! I wish people would keep to what they say and be loyal instead of fucking me off just because they have no money. If they doubted they'd have enough money they should tell me straight they cant go, not ask me to make a different date. And if they do have enough money, atleast dont go and spend it after saying you will go.

I know its not their fault, its just fucking annoying. I dont even no if i will be going now, its down to Me, Dean and Sean going. How fun. Me and two best friends, so yeah ok it will be kewl, but i have this problem... i dont like being left out.. and i know it will happen.

*sigh* what can i say?.. you know who your friends are i guess.

Anyway, mum n bro r back off hols 2nite, theyr due back in about an hour or 2. It gonna be strange living with an order-o-tron. After having the week to myself, i odnt know how im going to react to having my mum order me around again. I do things when i please when im on my own, dont get me wrong they do get done.. just in my own time. I must say, i haven't had much of it lately. Ive been busy WASHING MY OWN CLOTHES, doing college work (finally boxed off now ), and if not that ive been doing something to take up my time!

I havent washed the dishes yet.. theres tons of them from when Leah and Dean came round last night I really cant be bothered, i guess my mum can't expect to come home to a sparklingly clean house tho can she? I haven't really had the time to do them, and now im knackered. ill do them tomorow or something *sigh*

Thats all i can be bothered saying, fuck this shit

oo wait one last thing, ive found a new favourite song of the moment. Fear Factory - Descent. Its goooooooooooood.

Rei x p.s... just going to change the colour of the font now... fucking hell ive wrote alot..

so then.. yay.. download ruled!

wooo yeah download was kewl.. and exhausting! lol I crushed my ribs and they rly rly hurt lol, i was going to go the doctors but theyr feeling a bit better now. i had really bad bruising aswell and a stiff neck, oh and i developed tonsilitus from breathing cold air in, and i kept getting head aches and feeling sick afterwards.. dont no why tho. Better now tho! yaaaaaaay lol

so wat did i see? let me tel youuuuuuuu..

friday (was pretty shit but meh) : i saw Fozzy (chris jericho! wooo), Wednesday 13 *clap, clap, clap*, Apocolyptica (cello tallica oh yeah \m/), when walking to main stage i saw Jericho! from like a meter away!!!, Megadeth (last ever ), Garbage, and Feeder nut we left half way through Feeder koz.. well. they sucked lol

saturday was alot better, and it went like this.. first I MET BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE! yes!, American Head Charge (rip Briany duude), Sort of saw a bit of A ¬_¬, Meshuggah, Bullet for my valentine, Him, Velvet Revolver (Slash! woo), and then Black Sabbath! Of which i was at the front for!!! yay, ozzy, go, go!

And then we had Sunday, the best day of all in my opinion. There was this shitty kiddy band called DV8, the kids must hav been about 10 lol, then we had the record breaking Society 1 (they wer great!), Mudvayne (Yeaaaaaah!), Papa Roach (good.. surprisingly), Nightwish (pee bottle wash! lmao.. they sucked.), Slayer (fuck yeaaaah!), Slipknot (ouch but probably my fave), I was at the front for all them believe it or not.. and it fucking hurt. So by the time System were about 2 come on i couldn't breath and i was in agony. I had to get out but i still watched soad from about 15 rows back, which was kewl! they rocked too, good way to end Download i say.

so there you have it.. be jealous people!! muwahahahaaa..

now, things that sucked at download: Nightwish.. they really sucked ass and where late to add to the fuckyness!, i bought a rainbow flag which was gud, but it blew away on sunday night i guess he didnt want to leave donnington, me and dean argued quite a bit which was crap too, but oh well i guess we were just frustrated, the weather sucked it rained and was cold but the next day fuckin boiling, the tent was freezing, we didnt have enough space in the tent, the lylo burst so we slept on the floor which hurt, and then i got fuckin damage to my insides or something because i was squished in too tight on Sunday

oh well, was all worth it Download 06 here i come! lol

Rei xxx .. just for the fun of it, now that ive wrote this, im gunna colour it in ... that was fun lol

hmmm.. weeewoooweeewooo.. *shrugs*

why the fuck do people do this? it is really really annoying.. you're all fools stop it. atleast if ur going 2.. do it RAINBOWY!

wooooo 4 days til we leave for download and woooo 3 days til i leave for deans to leave for download! lol ^_^ i cant wait..

killswitch, slipknot, slayer, system of a down, mudvayne, black sabbath, chimaira, lamb of god, bullet for my valentine, american head charge, megadeth, apocolyptica, raging speedhorn and chris jericho here i come! yeaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh

**note 2 self : must pack sometime soon.. oh and buy food mmm glorious food!**

oh yeah i almost forgot.. i have PINK HAIR!! .. im a flamingo! lol.. well not really.. but my hair makes me look like 1 koz its called flamingo pink lol *insert groovy flamingo emoticon here*

hmmm wat else 2 say.. oo i know *initializing corny love mode*.. awww me and dean hav got closer than ever b4 ^_^ we see eachother loads n stuff its gud.. despite the whole arguments every 5 minutes and sliting eachothers throats.. we'r in lurrrrrrve

ive added a picture of us 2gether so u can see us ^_^ also i added another picture of me with my hiar so you can see that too koz the other 1 is crap quality.

newayz.. this will be my last post now 4 while because im gunna b at download *weee* if u get worried and wud like 2 check up on me.. click on this link.... im there somewhere lol http://www.downloadfestival.co.uk/media/webcam2.asp

byebyeeeeeeeeee rei x